Thanks DCist

http://dcist.com/2010/10/photo_of_the_day_october_15_2010.php

For giving me my new life goal, which is now to be the subject of a rap spontaneously created on the X2. I have witnessed multiple expressions of X Deuce artistic talent, but never been an active part of it.

Justice System, Part I

So in the course of my nerdy government analyst job, I spent one not-so-beautiful spring day at the Capitol, attending a hearing on the Bureau of Prisons. Now these guys are badass, talking about things like "stun lethal fencing", "Supermax designations," "Solitary Housing Units" and other Shawshank Redemption-like things. One of their major challenges is finding enough staff to cover all the functions of a prison, and as a result they can't monitor inmate communications, especially the new email systems that are being installed. So. That evening I'm on the X Crazy on my way home, and these two older men are sitting in front of me, talking about their buddy Tyrone. Apparently, Tyrone is in prison, and was recently transferred, which is good news and bad news. Good news, it's minimum security, cuz he gettin old, and it's nicer. But now he can't talk with his family because they're too far away to visit, "and you has to read good and write good to send a letter." Only now it's even tougher, "cuz you gotta read good, pencil push good, and finger type good, cuz now dey got the email."

Seeing it and living it in the same 8 hour day. Thank you X2, for your social commentary. Stay tuned for Part II, or All I need to know about the justice system I learned on the X Deuce.

Hating the Game

So two months ago, I bought a bike. It's pretty, black, way cooler than I am, and has pretty much changed my life. While all five of you probably don't care about my growing prowess at weaving through DC traffic, it does impact this stub of a blog in that instead of riding the X Crazy 2-3 times a day, I now ride it maybe 2-3 times a month. Hence, the precipitous decline in blog material. Not really that sorry. But in acknowledging this, I will attempt to "bring the funny" from other aspects of my life, such as it is. For this first shot, we'll go with a fat, easy target: Wheaton College, my illustrious alma mater. (This is like T-Ball easy, but with a red kickball instead. With unlimited attempts and the first baseman snoozing away. No pressure, Katy).

So I'm working late the other night when I get an email from Wheaton, titled, How Are You Doing Since Graduating from Wheaton? Turns out it's a survey, "which will help us understand how you and others are coping with the post-college world." Seeing I had a chance to win a $50 Amazon gift certificate, I saw no reason not to pass up a chance to feed the addiction. I clicked through, filled out my personal information, and began. As the title suggested, they started out about about your life after Wheaton, like what role religion plays in your life, why you go to church, how certain you are about your future, how much your life views have changed, etc. The first page said it was only 8 screens long, so I was like, how personal can it be? BOY, did I call that one wrong. It was kind of like quicksand. You didn't realize you were getting sucked in deeper and deeper, until you had a moment of sheer panic and terror, realizing, WHY THE HELL IS MY ALMA MATER ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS and OH SHIT I ALREADY GAVE THEM MY PERSONAL INFO! I quickly started (over)sharing with my gchat partners in crime, who had similar reactions of horror. Unfortunately, the survey only allowed a free response on the LAST question, leaving only multiple choice for the first ONE HUNDRED AND SIX responses.
Here are some that were sadly not included, but really, REALLY should have:

Respond on sliding scale of Agree/Disagree
God wasn’t very important for me until I began to ask questions about the meaning of my own life.
me: well agree, but does that count if I started asking those questions FROM MY CAR SEAT?

I don’t get much attention from my father.

My father understands me.

I feel angry with my father.

I wish I had a different mother.
me: Sorry, no Daddy issues. Or Mommy issues. Is that a statistic Wheaton is going to post on its website?

Here we come to the Wheels. Wagon. Off. Section. Respond Yes/No: In the past year, I experienced:
Being held in jail
A minor violation of the law
Sexual difficulties [unspecified, sadly].
Stef: Are they going to use this information to blackmail you into a donation?

me: It would be a good fundraising tactic.

An abortion/miscarriage
me: A) I NEVER want to see those two things lumped together EVER, and B) who the FUCK would answer that in a Wheaton survey?

Then on to the lifestyle/No, you're not my gynecologist questions. Respond Yes/No: In the past year, have you experienced...

A minor purchase (eg, an automobile)
me: Who defines the purchase of an automobile as "a minor purchase"?

unprotected sexual activity
me: Apparently, that is vital information for my alumni record

unwanted sexual activity
me: A) Hell to the no, do NOT try to make rape PC. B) If this is your attempt to encompass a broader range of whatever, take the time to segregate these things out. Your survey is already 107 questions long, you can afford to make probably THE most sensitive/personal question on it as accurate as possible.

struggle with questions of sexual orientation
me: Hi Stan Jones. How's that self-published "research" going for you?

At this point, Amy, having received my forwarded email, comes through with a rather crucial observation:
Amy: OH EM GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

so i clicked on the link

and it automatically logged in as you

me: oh

Amy: like, i can see your answers
Amy: they asked if you had diarrhea???

Has your life been unhappy and joyless?

Did you have many troubling thoughts?

me: I was unemployed for nine months! What do you think?! But wait, then I got my dream job. Man, my answers are going to look like a bipolar's.

Do you eat your meals in pleasant surroundings?
me: Often, in my minor purchase automobile, with troubling thoughts, sitting in traffic, while committing a minor traffic violation and not dealing with my Daddy issues.

Do you always have to do a job “right”?
me: what else would be the point? Are there times where I have to do a job "wrong"?

Do you tend to walk, talk and/or drive fast?
me: what does that reveal about myself, my relation to my alma mater, my adjustment after college, or ANYTHING ELSE in my life??

Do you easily tolerate slow traffic?
me: please, pleeeeease send me the name and address of a person on God's green earth who does.

me: can I say "no" to I am in control of my life

cuz god is

but maybe they'll think I'm a crazy person

who is out of control in the literal sense

Amy: katy, there are no wrong answers

me: LIAR. I'm leaving it blank

How do you transition from: Do you rarely get into arguments? to Do you smoke cigarettes?

And then we come to the section I labeled, "Fruitcake Questions" Please check one: Sometimes, Often, Rarely

There are several people with whom I spend time.

Amy: I live in a van down by the river. Do possums count?

me: "Several" Hmm, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo, "The Most Interesting Man in the World".....

Change or grow as a person in a good way.

me: Sometimes. When I'm in a good mood.

I feel in tune with people around me.
me: Yes. I am, in fact, a psychic.

In the last month, how often have you been upset because of something that happened unexpectedly?
me: Well, what was the time and date stamp on this survey email? Yep.

In the last month, how often have you dealt successfully with irritating life hassles?
me: As often as I have taken DC public transportation.

And then we arrived at the "Impossibly Warped by Wheaton" phrased questions. Agree/Disagree

Humans are not special creatures made in the image of God; they are simply a recent development in the process of animal evolution.

me: Screw you Wheaton! (true story)

God made humans of dust in His own image and breathed life into them.

me: Screw you Wheaton. Again.

Amy: i feel like fox news could put together a better survey.

FINALLY, we reached Question #107, the comment box. After much consultation and review, this was the final product:

Where do I begin-
-"Unwanted sexual activity" is rape. To say otherwise is to miss the meaning.
-Abortion and miscarriage are not on par with each other, and should
not be conflated/lumped together. I say this as one who is closer to
pro-choice than most Wheaton alums. Also, who would ever respond to
that question on a Wheaton survey?
-An automobile is not a "minor purchase"
-Both options regarding views on evolution were phrased the same way,
not allowing for a response (like mine) that fully believes that God
created us and that evolution is a scientifically proven theory that
is not mutually exclusive, nor does it diminish God's power.
-I'll be interested to see how you parse out my responses of the "In
the past year" section, as I've been both unemployed and gotten my
dream job.
-"There are several people with whom I spend time." Really???
-Please tell me precisely who does enjoy slow traffic.
-"God wasn’t very important for me until I began to ask questions
about the meaning of my own life." Well yes, but does that count if I
started asking those questions FROM MY CAR SEAT?

I was taken aback by the highly personal nature of many of these
questions, especially having provided my contact and identification at
the beginning, without realizing the full content) and frustrated by
the vague or falsely dichotomous wording of others. And finally, if
you are serious about using this survey and its responses for
research, use something more secure than surveymonkey. After
forwarding the email to my closest friend, we found that her clicking
on the link resulted in her being automatically being logged in as me
and seeing all my answers. I hope my thoughts will be taken into
consideration in the handling of this data and for future surveys, and
in the meantime for the love of God, please break out of the Bubble
when formulating these questions.


1. Wonder if they'll respond to me

2. The real question is, will this disqualify me for the chance to win a $50 gift certificate for Amazon, as advertised in the email?

I say don't hate the player, hate the game.

Out of my natural habitat

I had a "moment" this past weekend, when I realized how much the X Deuce had changed me as a person. Now, when I first started riding, especially during peak crazo hours (aprox. 11:00am to 3:00pm), I quietly freaked out at just about anything. Even having traveled in various sketch modes of transportation in far more foreign and dangerous situations, being in an environment right in my neighborhood and yet completely removed from my "normal" took a lot of adjusting. But apparently, I've gotten over it. I was taking the Circulator bus from the National Mall (where all those big monuments and museums are) to Union Station with two friends, both of whom also ride the X2. Now, the Circulator is a different beast, as it were, than other WMATA buses. It primarily caters to tourists, and has fixed loop routes through major areas of the city. After taking the scenic, and most likely unintended route around most of the area around the Capitol, we finally stopped for passengers to get off. Being in the back half of the bus, my friends and I went to exit the back door, which was closed. So, in her best X2 voice, my friend hollas (no other verb for it), "Back doah!" to which I added "Comin out bus driva!" It wasn't til we stepped off the bus and saw the odd looks that we were getting from the various tourists and yuppies that we realized that our normal bus etiquette was not how all buses operate. For instance, the X2: barrel down the street as fast as possible, screech to a halt and scramble to get on/off the bus. Be prepared to yell at the bus driver to actually get your stop, as well as holla/push the back door open manually. Compare that to the Circulator, with 1/3 the people, 4/3 the air conditioning, and 1/2 the speed, all within the comfortable bounds of tourist DC (one of our fellow riders joked about not wanting the driver to get lost and end up in Northeast DC. Our response: That'd be great!) Just a reality check for both my neighborhood, and the rest of the city.

It began on the X2...but it ended on the roof.

Oh what a night. So, coming home from another type-A DC activity, I was catching up on extremely important lawyer joke emails and facebook posts on my iPhone, aka My Baby/additional appendage, whichever metaphor resonates with you the most. When out of nowhere, this young guy grabs it. He tries to rip it out of my hand and take off, jumping off the bus just as the doors are closing (increasingly typical MO, see Unsuck DC Metro's excellent coverage here). I held on to it and started swearing at him (a troubling first reaction for a double pastor's kid, but hey, I was in the moment), so he just booked it.

But no, there's more. The night got even better. A knock on our door around 11:00 turns out to be a couple of our neighbors with some news and a request: one of their kittens was stuck on our roof, and could they get up there to bring him down? This led to me and a newly introduced neighbor (though not the cat owner, she was sensibly observing from below) spending the better part of an hour on our porch roof trying to coax down a kitten from our house roof. This involved, but was not limited to: 3 laundry baskets, 2 ladders, a cat toy, a felt and wire flower, climbing in and out of my window multiple times, almost dying when one of said ladders collapsed underneath me, and getting stared/yelled at by all our non-white neighbors down below, one of whom was being a jackass til he found out the cat we were trying to rescue wasn't ours nor our white neighbor's, but our black neighbor's. All the while my roommates and I are in our pajamas. Because we're classy like that.

But no, there's more. The night got even better (this time not in an ironic way). Still wired after getting all the people and cat-catching equipment through my window and off my porch roof, I get on gchat to recount this to one of my best friends Hilary:
me: then I just spent an hour getting a kitten off my roof

Hilary: wow

me: me, my two white roommates, and our one white neighbor up in the house with a bunch of black neighbors staring at us from the street

Hilary: laughing at your kitten retrieval attempts?

me: laughing/making fun of us. one was kinda being a jerk til he found out the cat belonged to one of our black neighbors

Hilary: look at you: 4 white chicks and a cat, bridging the racial divide. Well done! sounds like something that would happen to Sam and Josh somehow. Now I'm imagining the scene: [What follows is Hilary's spontaneously hilarious re-imagining of this scene, only in the show "The West Wing". It loses something if you haven't seen the show, but props to Hil's latent screenwriting abilities.]

Josh: Could you just reach...seriously, Sam, just reach across the roof and
grab its...
Donna: Josh? What are you doing up there?
Josh: Drafting the State of the Union, Donna, what does it look like we're
doing?
Donna: Risking a broken neck?

Sam: Donna, we need a laundry basket.
Josh: Yeah. We'll just scoop the little thing up and put it through a spin
cycle. That'll show it.

Donna: Josh! Don't go near the cat. You're not a cat person! [pause] Okay, I
have an idea. I have a friend who knows all about this. His name's Joe, and

he could really use the work...
Josh: Donna! No, just get the...

Charlie (approaching the house on foot): Uh, guys? The cat jumped down onto

the porch and ran down the street about ten minutes ago.
Josh: OK. OK...no one tell the President
about this.

(The next day, in the hallway.)

CJ: So, I heard something about a performance of "Cat on a Hot Tin
Roof" last night. Anything you'd like to share with the class, Joshua?

(Later that day, in Leo's office, before a meeting.)
Leo: You spent half an hour chasing a cat around a roof? This is what passes
for the best and the brightest around here?
Josh: Leo, this wasn't our fault!
Leo: Right.
Josh: That cat was crazy!
Sam: It was clearly a Republican cat.
Josh: Yes. Yes, that it was.
Margaret (poking her head in): My cat runs out of the room and scratches at
the curtains when she sees the Speaker of the House on TV.
Leo: We need to get that cat elected!
Josh: It'd be smarter than most of the incumbents.

Overheard: X2 Edition

Personal space on the X2 is essentially nonexistent, so any given ride is really a full-sensory experience. The one with the most potential for annoyance and/or entertainment is the cell phone conversations that take place right next to your ear. For the low price of $1.35, you get a front row seat to the latest drama in someones life, from their perspective, in a one-sided conversation format (unless the speaker has unfortunately discovered the volume button on their phone, in which case it becomes a conversation between the speaker and Charlie Brown's teacher). For instance, I got to hear the ongoing drama of this 20 year old girl's life, who's boyfriends baby momma is coming between her and her boyfriend's family, and how she's got a mouth and is fucked. up, but she's the mother of their grandchild, and what the fuck is up with that shit? Why should my boyfriend's momma like her more? And invite her to shit wit the family? She just a ho, anyways. Et cetera, et cetera. Personally, I was most impressed at the number of different swear words she managed to fit into one incomplete sentence in casual conversation. Usually on the bus it's just muthafucka this, muthafucka that, but this was especially creative. Really, I feel I should just throw out my GRE vocab cards and start writing these down. Much more educational, right?
More Overheards to come, probably in an upcoming "All I ever needed to know about the American criminal justice system I learned on the X Crazy"

...and then he hit the bus driver.

So backing up a bit. From time to time, there are various scuffles, throwdowns, "incidents", and whatnot on the X Crazy, with a myriad of causes. Here's one of them, essentially a one-off. After the swollen chokepoint that is the intersection of 7th and H St, the bus usually settles in for the long haul. Not this time. There was a man pacing the aisle, distracting me from my usual post-gym zone-out. He was getting more and more agitated, starting to get into it with a couple passengers. Eventually he heads up to the front and hits the driver in the face, for a reason probably only known to the man. Well, the driver promptly bounces his ass off the bus, stops for a couple minutes, and then continues on. Interlude: what is it about the X Duece that brings this out in people? Granted, the population of the bus is wildly varied, descriptions of which will come in a later post. But really, why hit the guy who's driving the freaking bus? [Sam: This country is populated with unbalanced people, many of whom find their way to Washington, as if the continent funnels them into this one spot.] End of story, right? 12 minutes and 8 blocks later, the driver decides to pull over and THEN call metro security. Cuz that's the crack law enforcement you want on the case, really. The passengers started yelling at him to "keep the damn bus moving". He wisely took their advice, and continued down the street. (Amy: This means major ba points. Katy: I'm just the bystander, soaking it all in.)