So I'm working late the other night when I get an email from Wheaton, titled, How Are You Doing Since Graduating from Wheaton? Turns out it's a survey, "which will help us understand how you and others are coping with the post-college world." Seeing I had a chance to win a $50 Amazon gift certificate, I saw no reason not to pass up a chance to feed the addiction. I clicked through, filled out my personal information, and began. As the title suggested, they started out about about your life after Wheaton, like what role religion plays in your life, why you go to church, how certain you are about your future, how much your life views have changed, etc. The first page said it was only 8 screens long, so I was like, how personal can it be? BOY, did I call that one wrong. It was kind of like quicksand. You didn't realize you were getting sucked in deeper and deeper, until you had a moment of sheer panic and terror, realizing, WHY THE HELL IS MY ALMA MATER ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS and OH SHIT I ALREADY GAVE THEM MY PERSONAL INFO! I quickly started (over)sharing with my gchat partners in crime, who had similar reactions of horror. Unfortunately, the survey only allowed a free response on the LAST question, leaving only multiple choice for the first ONE HUNDRED AND SIX responses.
Here are some that were sadly not included, but really, REALLY should have:
Respond on sliding scale of Agree/Disagree
God wasn’t very important for me until I began to ask questions about the meaning of my own life.
me: well agree, but does that count if I started asking those questions FROM MY CAR SEAT?
me: Sorry, no Daddy issues. Or Mommy issues. Is that a statistic Wheaton is going to post on its website?
Here we come to the Wheels. Wagon. Off. Section. Respond Yes/No: In the past year, I experienced:
Being held in jail
A minor violation of the law
Sexual difficulties [unspecified, sadly].
Stef: Are they going to use this information to blackmail you into a donation?
A minor purchase (eg, an automobile)
me: Who defines the purchase of an automobile as "a minor purchase"?
unprotected sexual activity
me: Apparently, that is vital information for my alumni record
unwanted sexual activity
me: A) Hell to the no, do NOT try to make rape PC. B) If this is your attempt to encompass a broader range of whatever, take the time to segregate these things out. Your survey is already 107 questions long, you can afford to make probably THE most sensitive/personal question on it as accurate as possible.
struggle with questions of sexual orientation
me: Hi Stan Jones. How's that self-published "research" going for you?
At this point, Amy, having received my forwarded email, comes through with a rather crucial observation:
Amy: OH EM GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
me: Often, in my minor purchase automobile, with troubling thoughts, sitting in traffic, while committing a minor traffic violation and not dealing with my Daddy issues.
Here are some that were sadly not included, but really, REALLY should have:
Respond on sliding scale of Agree/Disagree
God wasn’t very important for me until I began to ask questions about the meaning of my own life.
me: well agree, but does that count if I started asking those questions FROM MY CAR SEAT?
I don’t get much attention from my father.
My father understands me.
I feel angry with my father.
I wish I had a different mother.me: Sorry, no Daddy issues. Or Mommy issues. Is that a statistic Wheaton is going to post on its website?
Here we come to the Wheels. Wagon. Off. Section. Respond Yes/No: In the past year, I experienced:
Being held in jail
A minor violation of the law
Sexual difficulties [unspecified, sadly].
Stef: Are they going to use this information to blackmail you into a donation?
me: It would be a good fundraising tactic.
An abortion/miscarriage
me: A) I NEVER want to see those two things lumped together EVER, and B) who the FUCK would answer that in a Wheaton survey?
Then on to the lifestyle/No, you're not my gynecologist questions. Respond Yes/No: In the past year, have you experienced...me: A) I NEVER want to see those two things lumped together EVER, and B) who the FUCK would answer that in a Wheaton survey?
A minor purchase (eg, an automobile)
me: Who defines the purchase of an automobile as "a minor purchase"?
unprotected sexual activity
me: Apparently, that is vital information for my alumni record
unwanted sexual activity
me: A) Hell to the no, do NOT try to make rape PC. B) If this is your attempt to encompass a broader range of whatever, take the time to segregate these things out. Your survey is already 107 questions long, you can afford to make probably THE most sensitive/personal question on it as accurate as possible.
struggle with questions of sexual orientation
me: Hi Stan Jones. How's that self-published "research" going for you?
At this point, Amy, having received my forwarded email, comes through with a rather crucial observation:
Amy: OH EM GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
so i clicked on the link
and it automatically logged in as you
me: oh
Amy: like, i can see your answers
Amy: they asked if you had diarrhea???
Has your life been unhappy and joyless?
Do you eat your meals in pleasant surroundings?Amy: they asked if you had diarrhea???
Has your life been unhappy and joyless?
Did you have many troubling thoughts?
me: I was unemployed for nine months! What do you think?! But wait, then I got my dream job. Man, my answers are going to look like a bipolar's.
me: Often, in my minor purchase automobile, with troubling thoughts, sitting in traffic, while committing a minor traffic violation and not dealing with my Daddy issues.
Do you always have to do a job “right”?
me: what else would be the point? Are there times where I have to do a job "wrong"?
me: what else would be the point? Are there times where I have to do a job "wrong"?
Do you tend to walk, talk and/or drive fast?
me: what does that reveal about myself, my relation to my alma mater, my adjustment after college, or ANYTHING ELSE in my life??
me: what does that reveal about myself, my relation to my alma mater, my adjustment after college, or ANYTHING ELSE in my life??
Do you easily tolerate slow traffic?
me: please, pleeeeease send me the name and address of a person on God's green earth who does.
me: can I say "no" to I am in control of my life
How do you transition from: Do you rarely get into arguments? to Do you smoke cigarettes?
And then we come to the section I labeled, "Fruitcake Questions" Please check one: Sometimes, Often, Rarely
There are several people with whom I spend time.
I feel in tune with people around me.
me: Yes. I am, in fact, a psychic.
In the last month, how often have you been upset because of something that happened unexpectedly?
me: Well, what was the time and date stamp on this survey email? Yep.
me: please, pleeeeease send me the name and address of a person on God's green earth who does.
me: can I say "no" to I am in control of my life
cuz god is
but maybe they'll think I'm a crazy person
who is out of control in the literal sense
Amy: katy, there are no wrong answers
me: LIAR. I'm leaving it blank How do you transition from: Do you rarely get into arguments? to Do you smoke cigarettes?
And then we come to the section I labeled, "Fruitcake Questions" Please check one: Sometimes, Often, Rarely
There are several people with whom I spend time.
Amy: I live in a van down by the river. Do possums count?
me: "Several" Hmm, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo, "The Most Interesting Man in the World".....
Change or grow as a person in a good way.
me: Sometimes. When I'm in a good mood.
I feel in tune with people around me.
me: Yes. I am, in fact, a psychic.
In the last month, how often have you been upset because of something that happened unexpectedly?
me: Well, what was the time and date stamp on this survey email? Yep.
In the last month, how often have you dealt successfully with irritating life hassles?
me: As often as I have taken DC public transportation.
me: As often as I have taken DC public transportation.
And then we arrived at the "Impossibly Warped by Wheaton" phrased questions. Agree/Disagree
Amy: i feel like fox news could put together a better survey.
FINALLY, we reached Question #107, the comment box. After much consultation and review, this was the final product:
Where do I begin-
-"Unwanted sexual activity" is rape. To say otherwise is to miss the meaning.
-Abortion and miscarriage are not on par with each other, and should
not be conflated/lumped together. I say this as one who is closer to
pro-choice than most Wheaton alums. Also, who would ever respond to
that question on a Wheaton survey?
-An automobile is not a "minor purchase"
-Both options regarding views on evolution were phrased the same way,
not allowing for a response (like mine) that fully believes that God
created us and that evolution is a scientifically proven theory that
is not mutually exclusive, nor does it diminish God's power.
-I'll be interested to see how you parse out my responses of the "In
the past year" section, as I've been both unemployed and gotten my
dream job.
-"There are several people with whom I spend time." Really???
-Please tell me precisely who does enjoy slow traffic.
-"God wasn’t very important for me until I began to ask questions
about the meaning of my own life." Well yes, but does that count if I
started asking those questions FROM MY CAR SEAT?
I was taken aback by the highly personal nature of many of these
questions, especially having provided my contact and identification at
the beginning, without realizing the full content) and frustrated by
the vague or falsely dichotomous wording of others. And finally, if
you are serious about using this survey and its responses for
research, use something more secure than surveymonkey. After
forwarding the email to my closest friend, we found that her clicking
on the link resulted in her being automatically being logged in as me
and seeing all my answers. I hope my thoughts will be taken into
consideration in the handling of this data and for future surveys, and
in the meantime for the love of God, please break out of the Bubble
when formulating these questions.
1. Wonder if they'll respond to me
2. The real question is, will this disqualify me for the chance to win a $50 gift certificate for Amazon, as advertised in the email?
I say don't hate the player, hate the game.
Humans are not special creatures made in the image of God; they are simply a recent development in the process of animal evolution.
me: Screw you Wheaton! (true story)
God made humans of dust in His own image and breathed life into them.
me: Screw you Wheaton. Again.
Amy: i feel like fox news could put together a better survey.
FINALLY, we reached Question #107, the comment box. After much consultation and review, this was the final product:
Where do I begin-
-"Unwanted sexual activity" is rape. To say otherwise is to miss the meaning.
-Abortion and miscarriage are not on par with each other, and should
not be conflated/lumped together. I say this as one who is closer to
pro-choice than most Wheaton alums. Also, who would ever respond to
that question on a Wheaton survey?
-An automobile is not a "minor purchase"
-Both options regarding views on evolution were phrased the same way,
not allowing for a response (like mine) that fully believes that God
created us and that evolution is a scientifically proven theory that
is not mutually exclusive, nor does it diminish God's power.
-I'll be interested to see how you parse out my responses of the "In
the past year" section, as I've been both unemployed and gotten my
dream job.
-"There are several people with whom I spend time." Really???
-Please tell me precisely who does enjoy slow traffic.
-"God wasn’t very important for me until I began to ask questions
about the meaning of my own life." Well yes, but does that count if I
started asking those questions FROM MY CAR SEAT?
I was taken aback by the highly personal nature of many of these
questions, especially having provided my contact and identification at
the beginning, without realizing the full content) and frustrated by
the vague or falsely dichotomous wording of others. And finally, if
you are serious about using this survey and its responses for
research, use something more secure than surveymonkey. After
forwarding the email to my closest friend, we found that her clicking
on the link resulted in her being automatically being logged in as me
and seeing all my answers. I hope my thoughts will be taken into
consideration in the handling of this data and for future surveys, and
in the meantime for the love of God, please break out of the Bubble
when formulating these questions.
1. Wonder if they'll respond to me
2. The real question is, will this disqualify me for the chance to win a $50 gift certificate for Amazon, as advertised in the email?
I say don't hate the player, hate the game.
